When The Pain Hits

It was a simple yet profound gesture that changed my workday. I had stepped into the office where I delivered typed medical reports. It was like an ordinary day, but it turned out to be otherwise. I remember it some 35 years later. This was a somber day for me. Grief can hit at times we least expect. I had experienced a stillbirth three months before. The loss stopped me in my tracks. In fact, at first there were days I was so immobilized I couldn’t walk from one room to the next. Support from wonderful friends and family had helped me get back into my daily routine. This day, however, I felt a wave of grief like a tsunami.

When I entered the office, I didn’t give any indication of how I felt. I was just doing my job to deliver my typed reports. Dr. B happened to be standing at the receptionist’s desk and he looked up at me. “Claire, around here we give a lot of hugs.” He walked over to where I stood and gave me a hug. That was all. I’m not sure how he knew, but the hug was just what I needed.

It’s interesting to me that not many days before the stillbirth, someone in my circle of friendshad called with news of a death in their family. I remember I questioned myself. I felt uncomfortable and inept. What do I say? How could I say anything that would help them with such a loss?

This is what I learned soon thereafter: Just a simple gesture or a few words are powerful. I have also learned in the workshops that I have attended on mental health that feelings are very important. They are who we are. They are indications of what is going on in our lives. They should not be quelled but acknowledged. That helps us heal. If feelings are stifled, we will have missed an opportunity to do our bodies a favor. And, in the feeling of our feelings, we learn to help others. The apostle Paul wrote that as we suffer, we learn to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.”

Consider the story of Jesus when He arrived in Bethany, the home of his dear friends, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. He came because Lazarus had died. When He joined the sisters near the burial place, the Apostle John wrote that Jesus was “deeply moved” and then this: “Jesus wept.” Those nearby said: “See how he loved him!” Jesus’ humanity and His ability to weep with us are demonstrated in this story.

My daughters, mother-in-law, and a noted grief specialist gave me comfort and I pass on these examples to you.

On my birthday, five months after the loss of David Eugene, Rebecca gave me a book “David” by W. Phillip Keller. Who would have known that the story of David’s troubles, interspersed with his psalms, would be so healing? I got up early and sat on the living room sofa and each day I read a chapter. I shared that book with a co-worker several years later. Her son had been killed in a car accident. Months had passed. I made up a “care package” with something to inspire her each date of that work week. She loved the David book.

A friend recommended DivorceCare to me, a workshop held at a nearby church. I joined and several weeks into it, I just didn’t feel like going. I was depressed and tired. I announced to my daughters I wasn’t going. Laura, a young “wise-for-her-age” teenager, said “yes, you are.” She insisted and walked me to the door. I am so glad she did! The subject for that night’s workshop just happened to be depression. By the time the 10 weeks or so of workshops had been completed, I was a much happier person. Perhaps someone you know needs a boost just like Laura gave me.

A close friend’s new baby was delightful, and I loved our visit. It had been a year since I had suffered my loss. The morning after my visit, grief hit hard, totally unexpectedly. I knew I had to talk to someone. A friend I called was unavailable, so I called my mother-in-law. She asked if she could pray for me. Her prayer was simple, but my grief changed to joy. A simple act of faith on her part resulted in a profound change on my part.

Several years ago, a Topeka funeral home invited Alan D. Wolfelt to do a grief seminar. He is a world-renowned author, educator, and grief counselor. I went at the recommendation of my daughter, Rebecca, who took a class in which they studied Wolfelt’s book “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart.” I echo the comment of a participant: “To say this experience was profound is an understatement!” I recommend his web site as a great resource.

The prophet Isaiah wrote that God gave him the ability “to know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary.” May He do that for you.